By Maite Zabala-Alday
Maite: Originally, we talked about doing this interview in time for Transgender Day of Visibility, but better late than never! First, can you please introduce yourself?
Roz: My name is Rosalyn (Roz) Kolde, and I am a 36-year-old second year MBA student with AGSM, and I have a BS in Anthropology from UCR. Prior to my undergrad transfer to UCR, I went to LA Valley College and worked on “Bee and Puppycat: Lazy in Space”, a popular comedy cartoon on Netflix. I worked production and wrote the character “Toast” and voiced a character based on myself prior to my transition. I live with my wife, two cats, and a husky. I used to be a bodybuilder not professionally, but it was my main hobby. I am still into fitness but hiking and cardio. I am an avid gamer: RPGs, Rogue-Lite, Shooters/action/adventure, deck-builders, and more and I love comedy and horror movies/shows. I was born in Royal Oak, Michigan and mostly grew up in Burbank.
Maite: You were open with me early on about being transgender, but I think part of it was because you had to explain that there was going to be a difference between your chosen name and dead name during the HR background checks. What’s it like to have to “out” yourself?
Roz: It is always awkward in documents. I have always been great in social situations and am somehow less discomforted by outing myself in person. However, especially when it has to do with a job where I am essentially branding and selling myself, I am always worried the person reviewing my paperwork will determine that my primary characteristic is my being a trans woman… this could not be further from the case. My gender identity is less objectively ‘me’ than my goals and the way I comport myself in society. I also know that outing myself in public is always difficult in instances where I am misgendered by another. I always lock up and have a hard time speaking up for myself. This is something I think a lot of trans folk struggle with.
Maite: If you recall, we were in a meeting and the other person misgendered you and I corrected them during the meeting. Looking back, should I have let you correct them, or was it ok that I did?
Roz: Honestly, you made me feel safe by doing that. Some trans women may prefer to speak for themselves, but I always think it’s good to demonstrate to trans folk that they are appreciated and not kept around as a novelty or a quota. I have only recently been able to speak up for myself when I correct folk on my gender identity, but when you spoke up for me, I was not at that stage yet. The big concern for trans folk isn’t that we worry about being misgendered accidentally; that happens sometimes, and it is merely an accident. I used to misgender myself all the time until I got used to the new pronouns. Accidents we forgive. What we hate is being misgendered on purpose and/or being gaslit after.
Maite: How’s your experience been working with our team and in our office?
Roz: I have enjoyed it. I stayed around and I may not have had you not spoken up for me. I know everyone is different, but I think it is safe to say everyone likes to feel respected and valued. Everyone is extremely friendly and open. That is perfect; we trans folk are regular people, after all, and we have the same social needs as everyone else. Try not to make assumptions about us and our culture(s)! We are from disparate cultures; that is extremely important to be cognizant about.
Maite: What are other ways that we can support transgender or gender non-conforming colleagues, interns, student workers?
Roz: Just treat us like anyone else! We all have widely varying personalities; our gender identity is a background state, not our forefront identity. It also helps to be careful to try and get our pronouns right. We won’t destroy you if you get it wrong! We mostly care that folk try; it just shows consideration. I always tell people who are new to trans folk when they indicate a fear of getting someone’s pronouns wrong, go with ‘they’ or the persons’ name until you can comfortably say the proper pronoun. It also bears mentioning that not all trans people share the same opinions on this… but it is a good policy for those learning.
Maite: Something I hadn’t considered until you talked about it, was the challenge of building a professional wardrobe, accessories, makeup, shoes, etc. It’s a big expense! What are some other things that people should take into consideration?
Roz: Hairlines! Contrary to popular wisdom, lost hair can return. The estrogen goes a long way for the hair already there and the testosterone blockers can correct the excess androgens that cause pattern baldness. Even though the process is nothing short of miraculous, it takes achingly long.
As for clothes, whether the person is trans male, trans female, non-binary, fluid, etc… there is a steep learning curve. Bear with newly out trans folk, they will learn fast. People should remember that how we dress is not a sex thing.
At the start of HRT (hormone replacement therapy), we all suffer through the awkwardness of looking very much like the gender we are transitioning away from even though the clothes we wear will match our trans identities. If you see someone in a state like this and you need to address them, just ask their pronouns. We don’t get mad about it if it is innocent like that. It is always worse at that stage for someone to go with the wrong pronoun. We tend to be really vulnerable during this stage.
Otherwise, trans folk do have to buy new wardrobes and that can be costly, especially considering the often times sharp learning curve.
I do want to mention a major problem faced by the trans community that comes from within the trans community: Caitlyn Jenner. She dedicates a lot of time to attacking young trans women online, especially those who haven’t yet been able to afford any surgery. She supports legislation that works against us and unfortunately, we are currently under assault in a lot of legal and socio-political realms right now. People still feel that our existence is up for debate. It isn’t.
Maite: What are some questions that people should never ask someone who is transitioning or transgender?
Roz: Generally, unless you know the person well, do not ask about: their past life, their surgery goals/status, and don’t ask about trauma. You should avoid these questions, but you should also avoid drawing stereotypical conclusions about the trans person in question because misinformation can be just as harmful to my people. Do NOT assume all trans women date cis men and that all trans men date women. There is a world of difference between gender identity and sexuality. Do NOT assume that the trans person in question is going to undergo surgery. A trans person doesn’t like to spend too much time focusing on who they used to be because our fake identities that we crafted to blend in were really strong. We had to pretend to be another gender than how we identify for years, some of us, decades.
Maite: You once said to me, “The hardest thing to give up was the privilege of being a white male.” Can you share more about that?
Roz: The main reason I tell people I trust that I miss those things, is to skip the stage where people are in doubt of my trans sincerity. People don’t willingly put themselves through the process of de-privileging themselves for a move that they don’t believe in with the core of their being.
It isn’t so much the privilege as it is the forms of respect earned that one worries may be lost in translation during the transition. Respect garnered from friends, relatives, peers. For me, I was a bodybuilder, and I was a protector. I used my size and stature to keep my people safe; that was a key part of my identity. I was sad to give up my size and the respect I had earned for my weight-training achievements and my ‘tough-guy’ status. For me, I was very lucky: I only had to sever ties with a few family members after I came out. A lot of trans folk face even more dismal numbers of losses. For trans folk who have been in long-term romantic relationships, they also worry about losing the attraction of their partner.
That being said, there are exchanges in the American social fabric for privilege sets. I swapped out a bunch of unearned respect that is expected to be dealt out uniformly to all straight white males for the genuine respect that someone gets when they proclaim who they are KNOWING they will face adversity directly as a result. I also get respect from other women and other queer folk by and large, I get respect now for being who I am and that respect, even if comparably less commanding in our broken American hierarchy system, is worth far more to me than anything. I cannot go back to privilege as an alternative to dignity.
Maite: You told me you recently shared on Facebook that you’re transgender. So now, people from all parts of your life know. How did it feel to do that? How do you feel now?
Roz: I was called the very next day from a friend of mine I had known since middle school. He congratulated me and informed me that two other folk from our extended circle had since transitioned female. They aren’t doing as well as me. That is part of what this is about; I will take any opportunity to improve the lot of my people.
I also wanted to reach out to some female friends I had had in high school so I could tell them those days with them were as close as I would get to coming out for almost two decades to follow. One of them ignored me… there is some weirdness with women I had dated or had semi-romantic relationships with. Whether or not that makes them gay (having been romantic with me when I was still living male) even in the least is seriously dubious but that is a debate for individuals; there is no singular uniting methodology.
I gave everyone my relevant contacts and dropped off FB, though. The short time I spent re-connecting was fairly surprising. I didn’t have anyone react negatively, but a couple folk didn’t respond to me. They ADDED me, but maybe they didn’t know what to say? Who knows. Everyone wanted to know how my parents took the news. If that tells you something about how we are perceived and how family life can be for a lot of us.
Maite: You’re graduating UCR with your MBA. What’s next for you? What are your career goals?
Roz: I want to get back into entertainment. I want to produce and write. Firstly, I want to put my new MBA to work. I want to do consulting for cannabis companies, and I want to someday own a seed development company. I would love to work for the ADL (Antidefamation League) or SPLC (Southern Poverty Law center, but I may need to return to school at some point to get a law degree. I may have to do it as a PhD, I am not sure how that works yet.
